Very Wonderful

Several days ago I was awakened early in the morning. I have been operating lately at a level of exhaustion I have not known before, and usually I am so groggy, the only things I can think in the morning are, what time is it? Are any kids up yet?...I really should get up...And the next thing I know I am asleep again. But on this particular morning I was not groggy and I felt called to get up. I think You are calling me, Jesus. If this were true, then it was a first for me. I lay there for a few more minutes, and then I got up. 

I went outside and sat on our porch, and something very wonderful happened. I had been wrestling earnestly with a few things and was confused about some areas of my life...one area in particular that day, where I had sensed for a while that He was calling me to "take up my cross and follow Him." I so desired to obey, but I felt heavily burdened and unable to move. I needed Him. That morning, He came to me and helped me. He showed Himself to me, and that which had been so confusing to me became clear and simple. Suddenly it was an act of great joy to say, "Yes, I surrender even this to You. If You are asking me to let it go, then I know that I don't need it, but I do need You. I will obey what you have called me to do." 

I was amazed at the time He carved out for me that morning, and also that my mind was able to stay engaged with Him and not wander every which way like usual. It all passed by so fast. Later in the day I found myself saying to Him, "Jesus, I don't even know how to describe how my heart feels about you right now." I am not used to articulating feelings like these. The one word that came to my mind, and kept coming to mind, was enraptured. I had never used that word in my life before. Was that even a word? I wasn't quite sure what it meant, but it sounded good. 

This has been a season of life where God has been using my circumstances to teach me to depend on His strength and to entrust myself more completely to Him. A few days ago I was so tired I was on the brink of tears all day. That evening, after I got the kids in bed, I looked at the kitchen, the living room and our master bedroom, and they were all so messy. Ellis had been working all day and was working all night. He had been working so much that he was beyond exhausted himself the few times I had seen him that week. There was no one else I could depend on to help me but the Lord.

I remembered something a friend had told me recently, "when I am so tired and know I cannot do what God is calling me to do, I say, "Your strength, Lord," and He is always faithful to provide His strength for the task He has called me to do." Many nights I can just let the messes around the house go and try to knock them down a little better the next day. But on this night I knew I needed to clean up. "Your strength Lord," (I said through my exhausted tears), "I want to honor You, but I cannot do it. If you want this house cleaned, I need Your strength." 

I really do not know what happened next, but all of the rooms got cleaned very quickly, efficiently, and well. Ellis even commented on it the next day. I was so thankful. Lord! You cleaned all of these rooms for me! I know I did it, but He really did it. And it was only 7:30pm. I made a cup of tea and went out to the porch. I watched the sunset and had a whole evening to rest and be refreshed as I sat at His feet. I kept saying, You did my chores and you gave me a wonderful evening with you! Thank You! Thank you. How could He carve out such time for Him again like this? I just couldn't believe it.

Experiencing real intimacy with God has been so astounding to me. I confided in a friend that some of it seemed a little bit scandalous...was it okay to feel these passionate feelings with Him at times? I do not want to base my relationship with God on feelings, and besides, I wondered if I were going to start sounding like one of those religious crazies. She said to read John 14:21:

"Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.”

My friend said, "When you were hardened and thought your way was the only way, He did not show Himself to you like this because you were substituting so many other things in your life instead of Him. As you have surrendered those things and obeyed and turned to Him, He has been manifesting Himself to you just as He says He will." And she also said, "how very wonderful of Him to break through to you, as hardened and rebellious as you were."

Yes, how very wonderful of Him. I am still hardened and rebellious, but as He has been continually breaking me, I have become less so than I was before. This experience of His love breaking through to me has nothing to do with me, but it has everything to do with who Christ says He is and what He says He will do with his disciples. 

Before I went to bed last night, I thought about that word again, enraptured. I decided to google it and see if was really a word:

Enraptured: past participle, past tense of en·rap·ture. Verb. 

"Give intense pleasure or joy to" (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Yes, He told me exactly how my heart feels about Him. Enraptured by Him. I am so thankful for these unmerited glimpses of who He is, who He really is. 

Now that I know what the word means, I am starting to see why they call our blessed hope the "rapture:" 

"Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord." 1 Thess. 4:17

Yes, very wonderful indeed.